Q: Are you attractive?
A: Apparently I am very attractive, both physically and in terms of my personality.
I think the former is being kind, and the latter is open to debate. But yes, I do hear frequently that I am very easy on the eye. Think of a smart-mouthed Nigella Lawson, according to some people who have met me.
My favourite compliment is ‘you aren’t scary at all in person/you’re actually really lovely’.
Q: Can I bring my own contraception?
I have been put in this situation by clients before, and you will only be blacklisted by myself as soon as you walk out the door.
I have no means of knowing if you have tampered with it, and whilst I appreciate that most people I meet have no malicious intentions, I am not much of a gambler. If you are that desperate to have a better, ‘closer’ experience using your own condoms, I advise you to stop seeing escorts and sign up to Tinder.
Q: How can I book you for an outcall?
A. If you would like an outcall to a hotel, I need your full name, your hotel & room number. That seems quite logical, unless you’d like to play the Crystal Maze and give me clues whilst Richard plays a jaunty tune*?
If you’d like an outcall to your home, please email me in the first instance as I will require your full name & your full address. I will likely discuss ways of establishing that you are genuine and not looking to play a silly little game of There’s A Confused Hooker Wandering Around My Street.
Please note that I really am not interested in collecting details on you, but I am interested in getting back home safely.
* As amusing as this might be, let’s not play this game.
Q. Do you like reviews?
A. Not really. I would prefer to live my working life without it.
My own personal experience of SW is that some people gel and some people don’t. I could have a hundred glowing reviews, but you could flat out hate me and that’s just life. I am also not a fluffy type of person who particularly cares if I am a darling or well liked; most of my clients are regulars who find me hilariously warm, funny and thoughtful. As well as, I suppose, the whole sexy stuff. I also have some wonderful Domme clients. You will either like me or not like me – if you find my profile/Twitter/blogs funny, thought-provoking or you like the look of me, then book me. It’s not rocket science…
Q. Will you text me or call me?
A. No. I don’t like talking on the phone anyway. Especially when it hits that feedback on loudspeaker and plays my voice back at me, because I sit there wondering if I really sound like that.
I equally have no desire to get involved in long, drawn out text/email ping-pong – I am a very direct person and it is not necessary to exchange multiple texts or emails in order to arrange an appointment. On either end. You will never hear from me, unless I hear from you first.
If you specifically asked me to text you for a certain reason – to let you know if I’m in your area, for example – then I will. However, it will be blunt, generic and sound like your mate from work telling you something. I’m trying to throw you a bone here, don’t complain I didn’t put an x on it.
Q. Where are you based?
A. I tour quite frequently – I live in Glasgow, and do still work there, although it isn’t as frequent as it once was. I find myself with a slight case of itchy feet however, and have been looking slightly more wistfully at London again for the time being…
Q. I’m a photographer/web designer/male escort/Nobel prize winner/offering SEO services…
A. That’s wonderful! I don’t care.
Q. What are you like in person?
A. Laid back and easy going. Chatty. Sarcastic to the point of self deprecation. Allegedly I am quite funny, but I am extremely deadpan – I like to have a laugh with people. If you think sex is a serious or perfunctory activity, you probably won’t get on with me. I’ve fallen off beds and thumped my head against the wall; slid on a wet floor in my heels and nearly done the splits in front of a client; got my hair caught in my bra clips… beyond safety, I don’t really take many of the ins and outs of my work so seriously that I won’t laugh at myself or things that happen.
I take the stance that part of my role is selling escapism for an hour or two; I’m not into making people feel bad about themselves (unless you pay me to do that). My attitude is that I would rather someone left my company feeling as though they have just spent time with someone they find attractive, who they connected with and who made them feel appreciated and valued.
I don’t suffer fools gladly, but I am lovely if you do get to meet me. Allegedly.
Q: What is your stance on OWO?
A: I would suggest that you read this article (or, alternatively, google ‘antibiotic resistant gonorrhea UK’) and then perhaps you would understand why I would advocate for moving towards OW.
Q: Why didn’t you answer my text/email?
A: i) I was busy. Sorry.
ii) You asked if I was ‘avail’, ‘working’ or called me ‘babe’
iii) You have a history of calling me at 2am
iv) It’s patently obvious you would be wasting your time meeting me, and I’m doing everyone involved a favour
v) I’m just not a nice person.
Q: Can I bring you a gift?
A: Of course you can, although I never expect gifts – it’s a truly thoughtful gesture and probably will even elicit something that sounds like a giggle out of me. You can also look at my wishlist here. Please bear in mind that I offer Domination services too, so GFE clients may raise an eyebrow… If that would raise too many questions, I am always happy to receive Amazon gift vouchers and/or anything involving books. Seriously. Books make me so happy.
However – please don’t bring me flowers. I do love them, but it’s just not discreet on arrival, and I would prefer it if we were both wallflowers… at least until I closed the door.
Q: Do you like women?
A: I love women. Preferably all to myself though.
Q: I’m black/Asian/non white – will you still see me?
A: I don’t care what colour your skin or ethnic/national background is if you are clean, friendly, respectful and follow my booking processes. Frankly I think it’s ludicrous that I still have to post this in my FAQs in 2017, but here we are.
Q: I have a disability – will you see me?
A: I am listed with the TLC Trust, an organisation which aims to help individuals with disabilities find providers. Despite my somewhat
abrasive forthright demeanour online, I am quite warm and non judgmental in person, with no issues about seeing you. If it is more comfortable for me to visit you at home, I tend to drive everywhere anyway. The best thing to do is drop me an email to discuss your individual requirements.
Q: I’ve read your Twitter & I’m worried you’re going to talk about politics…